the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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