Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
