i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
