I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
