True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
