Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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