The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
