Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need a burrito and a hug.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
