what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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