If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
