I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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