My liver just broke up with me...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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