her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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