Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
