I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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