i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
