he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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