Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
