I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
