I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
