If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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