I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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