I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
