Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
