I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
pray to the hookup gods
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
