Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
