remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
