I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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