you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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