im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
