the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
