My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
