Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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