So drunk its hurt
too bad you live with your parents still
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
