I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
