I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I looked at my own cervix.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
