the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
