I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
