I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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