The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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