I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
