so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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