Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
