I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
