Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
