I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Randomize
