I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
