He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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