I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
