Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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