you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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